PERRY COULD BE JUST WHAT SOME NBA TEAMS NEED IN TODAY’S DRAFT

Joseph Perry, the 5’8-1/2” late bloomer who most basketball fans — and coaches and scouts, for that matter — have never heard of, could be just what a few salary-strapped teams are looking for in today’s NBA draft.

Perry, nicknamed “The Antidote” because of his diplomatic style in the locker room and the fact that he would work for far below the NBA minimum salary, has risen from obscurity as a technical magazine editor (an employment position voted number three in a recent USA Today poll, “Most Sedentary Jobs in the United States”) to become a projected first-round pick.

“It’s a true Cinderella story,” said one NBA general manager who, like all other NBA personnel interviewed for this article, wishes to remain anonymous. “Perry adds great appeal to whichever team drafts him and the entire NBA because he is ‘one of them,’ a fan who made it to the big time without ever having played ball in college or high school.”

Perry’s experience on the hardwood floor is admittedly limited. He managed his eighth grade team, the Lodi (California) Senior Elementary Vikings, to a division championship, and then all but retired from the sport until nearly a decade ago, when he played as power forward in the initial year of the obviously height-strapped Advanstar Funkfakers, a Eugene, Oregon-based work-related city league team.

This truly “old-school baller” brought back the set shot to his team’s arsenal and made history by scoring the team’s first field goal (a two-point set shot that was so beautiful, team alumni still talk about it to this day). Unfortunately, it was also 1/6th of the team’s total scoring that night. He also showed flash and dash in moments such as when he passed to a teammate through an opponent’s legs.

But Perry’s major contribution to the ‘Fakers came in a manner which no one foresaw. Early in the second season, an errant pass from a teammate in practice tore cartilage on the ring finger of his left hand. His relegation to the injured reserve list for the rest of the season left the door open for a younger, more skilled player, and the Funkfakers were off to, if not more wins, at least higher-scoring games.

The only knocks on Perry that NBA higher-ups will talk about are his aforementioned lack of playing time — not to mention skill — lack of understanding of the game, conditioning, height, and weight.

“Perry is a bit short for his weight, it’s true,” said an NBA assistant coach. “But he is getting into better shape thanks to his stint with ComedySportz (an improvisational comedy group). It has done wonders for his conditioning. When he first started with CSZ in late February of this year, he could barely make it through four minutes of ‘Forward/Reverse’ (a game that often requires improvisers to repeat physical tasks such as jumping into and out of a scene) without getting winded. Now he could go six minutes — except that ‘Forward/Reverse’ doesn’t run that long . . .”

NBA insiders aren’t disclosing Perry’s weight, but on the up side, are saying he weighs far less than Oliver Perry (no relation) and Robert “Tractor” Traylor did in their rookie years. “Of course, he doesn’t have their height or limited skills at that point, either,” said an NBA head coach. “But what he does bring to the table — er, make that to the team — is coachability and a willingness to do whatever is asked of him.”

One thing that will likely be asked of him is to spend as much time as possible on the bench so as not to put a game in jeopardy. “When it comes down to crunch time, I want to be the one jumping up from the bench and saying, “Give the ball to so and so!” said Perry.

“During workouts, the guy’s been more generous with the rock than Jason Kidd ever dreamed of,” said one NBA player. “Unfortunately, his generosity often extended to the other team as well, as many of his passes were picked off by defenders. No one can say that the game’s not exciting when he’s in.”

With his willingness to work for less than the NBA minimum salary — and therefore far below the first-round-draft-pick minimum salary — eagerness to allot his playing time to fellow team members, and ability to keep his mouth shut about all of it, Perry is a diamond in the rough that a few NBA teams might want to consider mining. “Nothing is expected of him by coaches and players except to collect paychecks for minimum contribution,” said one NBA draft analyst. “A lot of NBA players already do just that. Perry offers the same thing but much more marketability. Who’s going to be down on him when he gives fans the opportunity to dream that the same thing could happen to them?”

Indeed. If Perry is drafted today, at that moment across our great land, thousands of half-empty beer cans may be set down, tens of thousands of hands may stop in mid-reach toward the bowl of chips, and an “If that joker can do it, I can do it, too!” attitude may take hold like never before — or at least since Hillbilly Jim’s wrestling career started as a planted fan-from-out-of-the-audience in the 1980s.

The nation waits with baited Fritos breath.